Category: Break the Cycle

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6 Years Ago Today.

Today is just a random Saturday to many of us. The start of the weekend. A day to sleep in… catch up and make memories.

Six years ago on this day in June after another night of black out drinking… I woke up on a tear-stained pillow realizing change was a must.

I had been down this road before. I had conquered my demons, had challenged booze and won… but had I?

I remember seeing my sneakers laying in the corner, the laces were so bright and beautiful.

My head was pounding. My heart was heavy. My addictive thoughts were already trying to convince me “I don’t need to quit” and to crawl back to the darkness where I was safe from reality, humility, admission, and repair.

I stumbled out of bed, so weak I could barely stand up. Beads of sweat rolled down my face.

I made it to the mirror, and with every amount of strength had left in me… promised myself I would set out to beat this disease, and spend the rest of my days helping those who felt hopeless do the same.

I managed to tie my laces, and go out to the place where my healing journey began… the open road. As I worked the steps of this book… the steps on that asphalt became my best friend.

It listened intently, it spoke to me softly, and it showed my healing and recovery was possible… one run at a time.

Today is just a day to some… but to me, it’s everything.

2,193 days of taking my life back… doing the deep shit work of admitting my own crap, and pushing to become better.

I am forever grateful to the people that took my hand when I was weak, that loved me unconditionally through my worst, and who I still count on today to help me stay accountable.

Like a sunflower, even on my darkest days… I stood to face the light.

Recovery is not only possible… it’s wonderful.

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A Glorious Mess.

She is a glorious mess of what-ifs and used-tos. She continually tells her story as if the whole world is listening. She is messy but kind… bold and deliberate… yet soft and purposeful.

She knows her endurance is neither too strong nor too weak… and she knows that to win her race of life, she must balance between raising the bar, and steadily pacing her feet.

Oh, how those inner voices try to persuade her that it won’t matter in the end… but she knows it will… she sees her goals… and she is going to continue to fight like hell to crush them.

When you stop dreaming, it’s over. See it… want it… believe it… and don’t you ever stop reaching for it.👊🏻

THAT IS ALL 💙.

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All Along You Were Blooming

Boundless living is scary. It means waking up early, it means demanding a peaceful mindset.

It means turning the negative chatter off in your head. It means sacrifice when it’s necessary, and doing the work when there is every reason to quit.

It means shaping your future when the cards are stacked against you. It means trying harder. It means tasting your tears, dressing the battle wounds, and starting over every damn day if necessary.

It means moving the vertical structures that are stacked high between you and what your dreams and goals are. It means trusting others and others trusting you. It means building what you want, even when it seems impossible.

From once a broken and lost soul, addicted and miserable… to now the love of endurance running, hiking mountain tops… to writing my heart every day in my blog, to falling into a side hustle I love.

Make no mistake. It’s not by luck or coincidence. It’s not by chance or by happenstance… it’s by determination and challenge… it’s by hope and faith, and by imagination and grace…

All along you were blooming… Today is a good to settle for nothing less that what sparks your soul.

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Why Are You Smiling?

Suzanne, why are you smiling?

I smile because I am seeing my dreams unfold before me. I smile because, despite what some may think, this world is still full of good people… doing abounding things to help others.

I smile because I have stood in the ring of a what seemed like a 12-round boxing match, not only to come out stronger, sober, healthier, but with increased spiritual growth and a newfound sense of purpose and passion.

I smile because the gifts I have been given by my creator have never been more clear or more precise.

I smile because when I share those gifts, my soul feels happy, and my cup is full. I smile because the toxic crap and negative self-talk that once took their liberties upon me, can never break my wall of liberation.

Today can be the day you break your chains. Today can be your day of forgiveness, acceptance, preservation, and hope.

Did you smile today? Even when it’s hard, even when you don’t want to, even still… smile. You may just make someone’s day better. Enough about that… time to move.

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Can We Do Better?

I look at this triad that stares back at me and still to this day am unsure of its unfolding. I peer into the eyes of that little girl named Suzanne. 

Dreams of a 7-year-old are quite simple… the fairytales of my princess room seemed so life-like and doable. The genuineness to travel to space, meet my celebrity crush, and care for my baby doll as if her literal life depended on it, kept me smiling and full of life.

The adult years slapped me in the face with a darkness I wasn’t prepared for. The unforeseen devil in the bottle of whiskey, the lies of processed shit food, being overweight, and the hidden agenda of my mind… were to continually taunt me, shame me, and unravel every little good thing I wanted to believe about myself.

Today you will find me on solid ground, but with dreams that soar, and a heart that’s been mended. This didn’t come without tough lessons, steadfast trust, and a pair of sneakers. Those worn out treads have carried me miles and miles.

Running gave me purpose. It befriended me at my lowest, and has taken me to my highest. It never sways, it never says…”‘no you can’t”, it’s not partial to day or night, it doesn’t care what I look like, or what I wear. It just shows up when I need it… and guides me one step at a time. It listens without judgement, and it believes in me.

Running helped me break the chains, and fight for a new existence. It instructed me to do better. We all have crap in our mental closets. We stuff it away, we drink it down, we purge it up… over and over. 

What if we just do better? Don’t wait until tomorrow. Don’t excuse yourself to repeating patterns. Do better. Do something. Do it until you see that 7-year-old’s innocence again… and when you see her, tell her she was right. You can be anything your heart desires. The end.

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Light Bringer.

Are you a light bringer and a world shifter?

I get it. No… like I really get it. I ask myself, am I really of this time and space? Has my brain been hijacked? Am I truly witnessing this world fall apart before my eyes?

What happened to the value of a dollar? The meaning of a handshake and its honor for trust. The family table at dinner time, and simplicity of holding the door for someone.

Every day I get challenged. My demons want to me to re-introduce myself. The whiskey bottle subliminally hovers, and the processed comfort foods beg for a chance to take their stronghold.

These things always resurface… coming up for just enough air to try pull me back down… to prove the vicious cycle can reset.

To shift and grow… to brighten and conquer… I must eagerly remind myself of the teachings of my sneakers… and this road.

The conditions are constantly changing. Things insidiously try to stop me from smiling, trick me into un-believing in my ability to play my part in making this world better, and knock me off course so the light dims and conceals my purpose to myself and others.

You have the ability to shine and shift today. Grace is here… there is no need to fight yesterday. Block the mental dimming switch, refuse to stay stuck, and inch your feet just a little.

You’ll ask yourself… will this really matter? To me? To others? The short answer is yes… someone is learning from you. Teach them well.

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“New Year, New You”

Sleepless nights. Tossing and turning. Hating my choices. Angry at where life “put me.” Feelings of low self esteem. Daily wars with my inner self. HATE. EAT. DRINK. REPEAT.

That was my life for years, only I did it in silence so I could isolate myself from penetrating words, good people, and the truth.

It wasn’t until the long distance sport of running taught me to be tougher than my demons. It taught me patience, and endurance. 

It taught me humbleness, and mercy. It taught me that a little daily discipline, coupled with passion, and a good diet could be the answer to unlocking the door and leaving my living hell, and a hell I chose to stay in far too long.

We all hear the same crap. “It’s a New Year, New You”… “Start tomorrow, today is over.” “I’m going to do it… just not today.” 

I’m here to tell you: today counts. This minute counts. You don’t need a new month, or new turn of the numbers to give you permission to become your greatest self. Our addictions, the errors of our ways, and our poor choices can only thrive if we allow them to.

Be done with your own crap. Take the good advice you give others but never follow yourself. Make YOU a priority, don’t over complicate it. Eat a vegetable, drink more water, and let your story tell itself.

Somewhere today someone is watching you. Be a good teacher, and be a kind human. That. Is. All.

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The Gray Area.

The Gray Area… is the place between black and white. It’s the place where truths are discovered, hurts are healed, tears are wiped, and love wins.

It’s the place that tore me apart, made me whole, begged me to stop and forced me to go.

It’s the place where hatred was laid to rest, forgiveness was born. Where the glistening of the pavement, and the sounds of my feet hitting it… set me free.

It’s the place where dreams are made, wishes come true, and miracles do exist.

Yes… I love color. I love all things beautiful and bright… but may we never forget the simplistic value of what we learn in between the black and white.

Blessings, Loves…

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Transient Thursday

She took a trip deep inside her. She didn’t pack much for this day trip. She wasn’t staying long… her past asked her to sit, pull up a chair, and stay awhile.

She smiled softly with an all knowing that the overthinkers, the overwhelmers, the doubters, all the cunning games of her mind would soon enter the room for a visit too.

She allowed them all to sit and one by one she gave them an opportunity to pitch their deal of opportunity to her… if she chose to stay.

As she got up to leave they spoke quickly and desperately, asking why she was leaving so soon.

“I’m a transient guest today,” she answered.

“I respect what you have taught me. I acknowledge the things I cannot change, and I will never give up and allow you to hijack the contentedness that I cultivated from the cracks of light that you barely let in.”

My past is impermanent, my presence is joy, and my future is whatever I want it to be… and so is yours.

Know that the places we must visit from time to time are necessary. That sometimes to “become” we must “unbecome” first. That the dark places deep within us are often softer, and kinder than we think.

The greatest of your strengths are often built from the aftermath. Settle for nothing less than what brings you warmth, brilliance, and passion.

“Shut the door on your way out,” the past screamed… and with her eyes she spoke:

“Think twice about inviting me next time… good day.”

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Timeless Tuesday

So you get up today and you say to yourself… ah S*#%, it’s just another Tuesday. You think about all the crap you did or didn’t do right yesterday. You punish yourself for the failed efforts of both personal and professional goals.

You let the television, the false promises of society, and the stigmas that have been branded into us for years take the lead role in your play of life.

I didn’t want to face reality. I didn’t want to stop guzzling whisky, I didn’t want to eat kale and superfoods. I wanted pity… I wanted comfort food, and I wanted to hide in my deep dark abyss of self loathing.

Get up… get dressed…. and get out of your own way. It’s not “just another Tuesday.”

Today can be the day of renewal, of starting over if you must, of making a list of crap you’re not tolerating and sticking to it.

Today is a day of uprooting all the nonsense, of reaching out for help, and finally putting you first.

Take special care today to forgive yourself. Know you are given grace each morning, and that small steps of determination will always win over large leaps of fear and uncertainty.

“Beautiful girl, you can do hard things.”

You’re damn right I can…#RUNBEFOREYOUFLY

#tuesdays #yesyouabsolutelycan


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Thank you for supporting my writing and running endeavors at RunBeforeyouFly.com. I’m Suzanne Swanson and I’d love for us to keep in touch! 

Receive updates via email when you sign up here.