Category: Self Therapy Journal

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6 Years Ago Today.

Today is just a random Saturday to many of us. The start of the weekend. A day to sleep in… catch up and make memories.

Six years ago on this day in June after another night of black out drinking… I woke up on a tear-stained pillow realizing change was a must.

I had been down this road before. I had conquered my demons, had challenged booze and won… but had I?

I remember seeing my sneakers laying in the corner, the laces were so bright and beautiful.

My head was pounding. My heart was heavy. My addictive thoughts were already trying to convince me “I don’t need to quit” and to crawl back to the darkness where I was safe from reality, humility, admission, and repair.

I stumbled out of bed, so weak I could barely stand up. Beads of sweat rolled down my face.

I made it to the mirror, and with every amount of strength had left in me… promised myself I would set out to beat this disease, and spend the rest of my days helping those who felt hopeless do the same.

I managed to tie my laces, and go out to the place where my healing journey began… the open road. As I worked the steps of this book… the steps on that asphalt became my best friend.

It listened intently, it spoke to me softly, and it showed my healing and recovery was possible… one run at a time.

Today is just a day to some… but to me, it’s everything.

2,193 days of taking my life back… doing the deep shit work of admitting my own crap, and pushing to become better.

I am forever grateful to the people that took my hand when I was weak, that loved me unconditionally through my worst, and who I still count on today to help me stay accountable.

Like a sunflower, even on my darkest days… I stood to face the light.

Recovery is not only possible… it’s wonderful.

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Mailbox to Mailbox.

What are you looking at, Suzanne?

I am looking at the face of someone who was taught fear comes first… and boldness comes later.

I am looking at the inner being of a little girl who knew even before life showed her that she was going to lead by transparency instead of tragedy someday.

I am looking at the face of a woman who let the lies of the bottle and the fake ingredients of processed crap hijack her mind daily.

Lastly, I am looking at my heart’s reflection. I see a journey of a woman who literally was saved “Mailbox to Mailbox” as her sneakers pounded, her sweat ran, and her lungs breathed her back into being.

Find the souls that speak your language, so you waste not one minute translating your spirit. And may the space between where you are and where you want to be never stop inspiring you 💛.

That. Is. All. 👊🏻

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Stops Along the Way.

The space between where you stand now and where you dream of landing is filled with many stops of uncertainty along the way. I am thankful for every setback, every tear, and plea of why me.

I am thankful for what my addictions allowed me to see, and why I never want to return there again. I am thankful to able to learn, and grow… to breathe and push my body to limits I never thought possible.

I am thankful for the first pair of running sneakers that humbled me… embarrassed me… and stayed patient as I navigated myself to a rebirth of health, appreciation, and love for the unspoken guidance of my paved roads.

Life wakes each morning with ten new reasons to quit, to surrender, to grumble, and to avoid. Be the one reason you prevail. Live thankfully… the end 👊🏻.

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Yes, I Can.

June 16, 2017. She awoke with a pounding head… the kind of headache that was all-too familiar. Her mouth was dry, she was damp with sweat both from the booze and toxic food she put in body the night before trying to break their way out. Her tear-stained pillow was just another reminder of her shame.

She had screamed for help… only for her cries to be intercepted by lies, and defeat… shame and unrest.

The light in her bedroom was blinding. She could see the day was one of sun and glorious skies. She couldn’t move… frozen in time for what seemed like eternity, she turned her head to see them.

They were beautiful, full of color and hope. They were begging her, “Please just give us another chance. We won’t judge you, we’ll be patient, and we will show you… what you were meant to become.”

She hesitated… she wiped the last tear that drained. She dragged herself to the corner to where those sneakers would not stop staring at her.

“Tie the laces… get your hungover ass up, and go make a difference.”

I remember that day like it was yesterday.

I don’t know where you are today in your personal journey or transformations. I don’t know what you have been through, what you have hid in shame, sat with in regret… or begged for freedom of… BUT I DO KNOW THIS ⬇️⬇️⬇️

Whoever said you’re stuck is wrong. Whatever is holding you back can be broken apart and rebuilt.

And whenever you hear somebody say “No, you can’t…” the answer is always “YES, I CAN.” 👊🏻🖤

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Shadow Self

Our shadows hold the essence of who we are. They hold our stories… they become our platform for growth, and reflection. 

Shadows are beautiful, and equally important as the light.

When we swirl in spaces of deep trust versus mistrust, faith versus control, patterns of painful choices, we purposefully turn our face from the light.

There is always a divide of what we dream of being as opposed to where we stand at this very moment. 

This morning, let yourself rest in who you are. Do not let your joy be stolen, and know the light does return. 

Accept, not resist, what you can accomplish today.

Shadows and light… love and hope… faith and fear. These things are necessary for change. 

Live your story, and love all the humanness about you that got you there.

Amen.

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The Art of Wellbeing

Good Saturday Morning!

It’s not just another day. It’s more than just a shuffle to the coffee pot. It’s not about let’s just exist and pray nothing gets in our way today. 

It’s not the crap on television or fake news. It’s not the stigmas of BS people have so generously placed upon us. It’s not about faking our way through the day and hoping no one sees our struggles, our shortcomings and our setbacks.

It’s about trying to love and accept ourselves even when the mirror and mind are fighting against us. It’s about forgiving what we could not understand and educating ourselves on nutrition and wellness. 

It’s about owning what we could not change and fighting like hell to do something about it.

It’s about trying our best and believing that no matter what… life is begging us to sign a contract with renewal, and hope, with faith and freedom.

You are enough. Today, tomorrow, and forever. Time to fly.

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Seek Your Soul

Each day as the darkness lifts and the light of morning approaches, the driver of our mind is eagerly awaiting to criticize, underestimate, and drop us off at the destination of fear, and uncertainty.

The mental chatter starts… the banter between self-love and self-sabotage gets louder as it bullies us into confusion. And before we even make it to the coffee maker… we feel defeated.

It’s hard to trust ourselves at times. Joy becomes more difficult to cultivate, and the beauty within us gets hidden in our deteriorating exterior world and circumstances.

This morning as I close my eyes and breathe in all that I am yet to become… I am beyond grateful for those opportunities to give back and serve.

I forgive what I cannot change. I accept where my reserved seat in life is at present… and I thank my creator for allowing me to be teachable in my erroneous ways.

Things will not always make sense. Life is fascinating, and difficult, beautiful and tragic. Joyful and miserable, lonely and full… but today, breathe into what you know and desire.

Seek kindness and happiness for you and others. Seek wellness and contentment. Seek your soul… seek to be better…💙

Life is waiting. Isn’t it time?

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An Intentional Life

An intentional life accepts only things that do not serve yourself or others. Embrace only those things that will add meaning.

Seek only what adds to the value of your being. If your soul is searching, there’s a reason. Do not let your existence slip through the hands of doubt and fear.

You are here to live with intention, to love with open arms, and to pursue the blueprint that was designed for you.

Believe in something greater, something unseen, something better… it’s out there waiting for you to land softly.

Wait not another day to create your dreams and work your goals into action.

Onward…

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Time Capsule

There are 40 years between these two pictures of myself. As most of us do periodically, I sit back in awe of how quickly time goes… and I continue to ask myself, why am I here?

There are 40 years of experience in these pictures. Forty years of ups and downs, victories and losses. Forty years of trying to discover what my greater purpose is. What is it that sets me apart?

But furthermore, why is my drive to aid people in overcoming their own personal challenges, addictions, and maladies so important to me?

The time spent in between these pictures tells a story of survival, sadness, setbacks determination, perseverance; and most importantly, joy. The roads and pavements of my traveled feet have guided me back to a life I look forward to. The gentle mobility of one foot in front of the other, the quiet push of excitement in my heart feeling alive, have had a restorative effect on my gross wellbeing.

I stare back at that little girl, and wish I could have prepared her for so many of the unforeseen days of disappointments, life’s struggles, and internal tugs of war.

She didn’t know as she was folding her hands in anticipatory excitement, that she would have to battle alcohol and food addiction, and unforeseen trauma. She didn’t know then that it wasn’t her fault, and that God’s plan was so much greater than she ever could have imagined.

Forty years later, I am thriving, and I am well. I know the plans that have been made for me are immense and full of goodness. My dream of helping you will not falter, or be dismounted. My drive to continue to be a wellness influencer, and motivational speaker keeps me alive with determination and intention.

I am a force that’s not easily tamed, I am grateful, and above all… I am living proof that re-birth is not only possible but, wondrous. Now let’s go find some joy…

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Obedience Vs. Obstacles.

She was a lone survivor of her own maladies for many years. Day in and day out, she shuffled through the overcast world of her mind. Sure, she could find little segments of normalcy in between her constant starring role titled You’ll Never Get Out of This Place… but nevertheless, she prayed.

She had belief systems that were false. She had been led down a road that taught her life was mainly full of negatives, and that magic and splendor were only for magazines and television. The alcohol and processed food pled their case daily… promising her a comfortable place to unpack all her loneliness.

She continued this ludicrous pattern of destruction for years until one night in the darkness of trying to rest, a voice echoed in her mind. “Seek obedience to overcome your obstacles.”

You cannot repeat the same pattens of dysfunction and expect a new result. Yes, you can become unstuck from the fly trap of your demise. But this doesn’t come without obedience within yourself.

It doesn’t happen without a battle between good and evil, necessary versus unnecessary… a mix of laughter and pain.

When your desire is working in you, there is nothing capable of stopping what you can become. Something will always show up trying to halt your progress, and keep you trapped. Stay obedient to yourself. Fuel your body with goodness, and allow your reflection to tell the story.

Nevertheless… she prayed.

She is right here. She is me. She is 5 years sober. She is healthy, and fit. She can be you, too. Don’t give up.