Category: Reflections

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6 Years Ago Today.

Today is just a random Saturday to many of us. The start of the weekend. A day to sleep in… catch up and make memories.

Six years ago on this day in June after another night of black out drinking… I woke up on a tear-stained pillow realizing change was a must.

I had been down this road before. I had conquered my demons, had challenged booze and won… but had I?

I remember seeing my sneakers laying in the corner, the laces were so bright and beautiful.

My head was pounding. My heart was heavy. My addictive thoughts were already trying to convince me “I don’t need to quit” and to crawl back to the darkness where I was safe from reality, humility, admission, and repair.

I stumbled out of bed, so weak I could barely stand up. Beads of sweat rolled down my face.

I made it to the mirror, and with every amount of strength had left in me… promised myself I would set out to beat this disease, and spend the rest of my days helping those who felt hopeless do the same.

I managed to tie my laces, and go out to the place where my healing journey began… the open road. As I worked the steps of this book… the steps on that asphalt became my best friend.

It listened intently, it spoke to me softly, and it showed my healing and recovery was possible… one run at a time.

Today is just a day to some… but to me, it’s everything.

2,193 days of taking my life back… doing the deep shit work of admitting my own crap, and pushing to become better.

I am forever grateful to the people that took my hand when I was weak, that loved me unconditionally through my worst, and who I still count on today to help me stay accountable.

Like a sunflower, even on my darkest days… I stood to face the light.

Recovery is not only possible… it’s wonderful.

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Arm Yourself with Kindness.

Sometimes when I reflect back, I can’t believe how my journey has unfolded. This is not about what you weigh or what your size is.

I have learned that the representation of a number to our self worth is BS… and being connected and comfortable in our skin comes in beautiful forms of all shapes and sizes.

This is about treating yourself with kindness.

I spent half of my life nearly drinking myself sick. I allowed foods that were not serving me to rule my decisions, and give me a false sense of comfort. I lived in a rat race of comparisons, instead of allowing grace to move in for healing.

On occasion I still may wobble… life sometimes tries to sway me back to a place that I know will leave me empty and without joy.

Arm yourself with kindness. Focus on feeling your best, leading by example. Shut the toxic opinions of others out, and choose what is best for you.

Today the sun is shining. My head is clear. My body is fueled with nutrition that I can pronounce, my coffee is hot, and I’m grateful for another day.

Don’t overthink it. Don’t wish your life away. Don’t false-idol the people who you think have it all. Start simple… be kind to yourself… and be amazed where that takes you.

~ From the Diary of What Running and Life Have Taught Me


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Shadow Self

Our shadows hold the essence of who we are. They hold our stories… they become our platform for growth, and reflection. 

Shadows are beautiful, and equally important as the light.

When we swirl in spaces of deep trust versus mistrust, faith versus control, patterns of painful choices, we purposefully turn our face from the light.

There is always a divide of what we dream of being as opposed to where we stand at this very moment. 

This morning, let yourself rest in who you are. Do not let your joy be stolen, and know the light does return. 

Accept, not resist, what you can accomplish today.

Shadows and light… love and hope… faith and fear. These things are necessary for change. 

Live your story, and love all the humanness about you that got you there.

Amen.

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Can We Do Better?

I look at this triad that stares back at me and still to this day am unsure of its unfolding. I peer into the eyes of that little girl named Suzanne. 

Dreams of a 7-year-old are quite simple… the fairytales of my princess room seemed so life-like and doable. The genuineness to travel to space, meet my celebrity crush, and care for my baby doll as if her literal life depended on it, kept me smiling and full of life.

The adult years slapped me in the face with a darkness I wasn’t prepared for. The unforeseen devil in the bottle of whiskey, the lies of processed shit food, being overweight, and the hidden agenda of my mind… were to continually taunt me, shame me, and unravel every little good thing I wanted to believe about myself.

Today you will find me on solid ground, but with dreams that soar, and a heart that’s been mended. This didn’t come without tough lessons, steadfast trust, and a pair of sneakers. Those worn out treads have carried me miles and miles.

Running gave me purpose. It befriended me at my lowest, and has taken me to my highest. It never sways, it never says…”‘no you can’t”, it’s not partial to day or night, it doesn’t care what I look like, or what I wear. It just shows up when I need it… and guides me one step at a time. It listens without judgement, and it believes in me.

Running helped me break the chains, and fight for a new existence. It instructed me to do better. We all have crap in our mental closets. We stuff it away, we drink it down, we purge it up… over and over. 

What if we just do better? Don’t wait until tomorrow. Don’t excuse yourself to repeating patterns. Do better. Do something. Do it until you see that 7-year-old’s innocence again… and when you see her, tell her she was right. You can be anything your heart desires. The end.

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Transient Thursday

She took a trip deep inside her. She didn’t pack much for this day trip. She wasn’t staying long… her past asked her to sit, pull up a chair, and stay awhile.

She smiled softly with an all knowing that the overthinkers, the overwhelmers, the doubters, all the cunning games of her mind would soon enter the room for a visit too.

She allowed them all to sit and one by one she gave them an opportunity to pitch their deal of opportunity to her… if she chose to stay.

As she got up to leave they spoke quickly and desperately, asking why she was leaving so soon.

“I’m a transient guest today,” she answered.

“I respect what you have taught me. I acknowledge the things I cannot change, and I will never give up and allow you to hijack the contentedness that I cultivated from the cracks of light that you barely let in.”

My past is impermanent, my presence is joy, and my future is whatever I want it to be… and so is yours.

Know that the places we must visit from time to time are necessary. That sometimes to “become” we must “unbecome” first. That the dark places deep within us are often softer, and kinder than we think.

The greatest of your strengths are often built from the aftermath. Settle for nothing less than what brings you warmth, brilliance, and passion.

“Shut the door on your way out,” the past screamed… and with her eyes she spoke:

“Think twice about inviting me next time… good day.”

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Whispers in the Hall.

They whispered down the hall at her. She could hear all the chatter. The “she’ll never be’s” and the “she wishes she was”.

She didn’t fit in. She didn’t know how. She was lost. She was lonely… she was afraid.

She questioned, she stood, she begged, she knelt… she waited… until her purpose was born.

To all those things that constantly try to break me, stop me, persuade me, and derail me…

You ain’t never seen what a little Irish, a little pavement, and a whole lot of belief that my creator knew how my journey would change lives can do.

You can stay stuck or you can fly… either way is painful, and not without sacrifice.

Which legacy do you choose to leave?

#RUNBEFOREYOUFLY

#Christmaskicks #wecanallmakeadifference

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Superhero (It’s Not About the Scale.)

It’s Transformation Tuesday!

There is a limit to the amount of misery and crap we will put up with. There is a limit to the amount of mess you can stand in your mind, in your heart space, and in your spirit.

This is not just about weight. I don’t believe in scales.

It’s not about what you weigh. Some of the most beautiful people I know are different sizes, shapes, body structures… and they exemplify who and what true heroes are, and that kindness in this world still exists.

This is about freedom from your addictions, from your toxic relationships, from society telling you one way is better than the next.

I was addicted to food, to whisky, to anything that numbed away reality. I lost hope, I swam in fear… until I took charge. I wanted full transformation.

You don’t need to be a certain size to be worthy. You don’t need to model yourself after anyone other than who your own beautiful soul is. You do need to live with choices you make, good and bad.

I wanted better. I wanted to finally trust that I was woven and spun… purposefully here, to do my job.

My job is to tell you: whatever you think you can’t overcome? You can.

Whomever is telling you that you’re not made for your dreams and aspirations… is dead wrong.

And lastly: you were made to shine. Get a match and let’s go 🔥💥☄️

Follow along as Suzanne Swanson takes us through her transformation from addiction to athlete. Find support and healing in your own life! We’re sending Suzanne’s blog updates via email along with a daily dose of motivation. Don’t miss the next post… delivered straight to your inbox.

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Reflections on Forty-Six.

And so today the first day of another trip around the sun begins. Forty-seven years does not seem possible nor fathomable… yet here it is, staring back at me with deep reflections.

Forty-six has been a year of immense change in a continued inward journey, leaps of faith, heartbreak, and lessons learned.

Forty-six has encapsulated feelings of uncertainty, nevertheless allowing me to see the distinctions of people, life idiosyncrasies, and how I will continue to lead my life more clearly than ever.

I have learned that this world is unbelievably broken… full of political disaster, inhumane behaviors, endless tragedy, but even still remains incredibly beautiful.

I have personally watched a pandemic change the fate of medicine before my very eyes. I have witnessed lonely people scared to death, hardened people become softer, and have questioned and teetered on a tightrope of my own beliefs.

Forty-six gave the courage to start something new, go out of my comfort zone, only to teach me that where I was in the first place is where I belong… and getting back there was both an admission of failure and growth.

Forty-six has taught me courage. Some people will continue to hurt you without validated answers of why, and that boundaries are absolutely acceptable and necessary.

It taught me that the deliberate actions of others speak volumes about their character not mine, and that my job is to continue to pray and forgive their brokenness. That forgiveness does not mean tolerance, and that strength is always born with spoken truths.

Forty-six gave me another year with an amazing family that, although not perfect, is woven with love, strength, and of an unspoken knowingness of unity no matter what.

Forty-six has granted me the opportunity to meet some very special people… each with their own story that I now am privileged to be a small part of.

Forty-six is gone and has taken many parts of me with it. Although many tears have been shed… joy has been re-born. My appreciation and gratefulness for life is greater than my sorrow, and whatever my fate is… I’ll meet it with contentedness.

Forty-six will not be just another number but a celebration of what’s to come. My sneakers, my paved roads, my dream of running the Boston Marathon, my writing, my immense passion to inspire others, and spread hope will remain at the forefront of my being.

May 47 give me a soft place to rest, persist in leading me to my life’s work and purpose, and continue to offer me daily grace.

To be continued💛💛💛

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Healing Journey.

Heading out to be in nature. Nature is the one place where we can be ourselves. There are no time constraints, no phones ringing, no emails. It is a place where we can set aside just for moment in time all the things that weigh us down.

It is here where I appreciate what my creator has given me. Nature offers me hope for my future, and steadies my faith in this crazy world.

Above all… I set out on this 10-mile hike with gratitude. I am here for a purpose. Whether it be big or small, I am making a difference in the lives of beautiful people. I choose who I am in this moment.

Never underestimate the depths of your words, the intense power of a smile, and how a little kindness can become someone’s first stepping stone of healing.

Be kind today…🖤

#hikingthetrail #kindnessmatters #healingjourney

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Autumn of Reproach.

Fall is a season of reproach for me. I tuck away the things summer has taught me. I welcome the rustling leaves, the vibrant colors, and dare to dream all that is meant for me in this season.

When Autumn awakes… so does my heart. I allow the sun to take a step back… but my inner strength and yearning to take a step forward. I think of all the gifts that I am given daily. I am thankful in a season of accomplishment, and yet seek excitement for the next place my journey will land me.

I am learning that everything happens in God’s time, that I was woven and spun for his greatest good, and that experiences both awful and wonderful have helped to shape and mold me into the best version of myself that I can be.

Never doubt your internal longing to be greater, continue to question things that are bullshit, and do not settle for anything other than what gives you peace.

Let today be the start of your unveiling. The best is yet to come.

Follow along as Suzanne Swanson takes us through her transformation from addiction to athlete. Find support and healing in your own life! We’re sending Suzanne’s blog updates via email along with a daily dose of motivation. Don’t miss the next post… delivered straight to your inbox.

Sign up to hear from Suzanne via email here.